how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
