Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
