Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
