i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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