I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
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He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
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She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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