he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
