new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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