just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
