Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
