I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
