Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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