matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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