I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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