I think I won the penis lottery.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
