hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Enjoy the penises
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
