I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
