Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my being single is dangerous.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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