I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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