I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
