My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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