This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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