I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
