At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
