I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
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