No more Irish car bombs ever.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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