Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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