You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
