i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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