there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
