so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
