I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Four minutes until I can fart!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
