we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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