I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Sext me about skeletons
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
