Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
