what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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