I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
