She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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