She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
