dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
