Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
