there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
