i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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