dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
