There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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