He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
