i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
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It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
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I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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