i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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