he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
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There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
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Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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