just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
