i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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