I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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