i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
