If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
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