Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
