she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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