There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
