if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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