So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
