Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
