Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
