you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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