dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
